Pesachim 4a: Rav’s father was Rabbi Chiya’s brother, and his mother was Rabbi Chiya’s sister. When Rav came to visit Eretz Yisroel, Rabbi Chiya asked him, “Is Ayvo alive?” Rav said, “What about Ima?” So Rabbi Chiya asked, “Is Ima alive?” Rav said, “What about Ayvo?” Rabbi Chiya then said to his servant, “Take off my shoes…”
Yoreh Deah 402:12: If someone’s relative died and he does not know about it, there is no obligation to tell him, even if the deceased is his father or mother. And regarding this it says, “One who brings bad news is a fool.” And it is permitted to invite him to an engagement party, a wedding or any simcha, since he does not know. However, if he asks explicitly, one must not lie and say, “He is alive,” as the Torah says, “Keep far from falsehood.” Rema: Still, when the deceased left a son, it is customary to tell him so that he should say Kaddish. But for daughters, there is no custom to tell them at all.
פסחים ד ע”א רב בר אחוה דרבי חייא ובר אחתיה. כי סליק להתם אמר ליה: אייבו קיים? אמר ליה: אימא קיימת, אמר ליה: אימא קיימת? אמר ליה: אייבו קיים. אמר ליה לשמעיה: חלוץ לי מנעלי וכו’
יו”ד ת”ב,יב: מי שמת לו מת ולא נודע לו אינו חובה שיאמרו לו ואפילו באביו ואמו ועל זה נאמר מוציא דבה הוא כסיל ומותר להזמינו לסעודת אירוסין ונישואין וכל שמחה כיון שאינו יודע מיהו אם שואל עליו אין לו לשקר ולומר חי הוא שנאמר מדבר שקר תרחק: הגה ומ״מ בבנים זכרים נהגו להודיע כדי שיאמר קדיש אבל בבנות אין מנהג כלל להודיעם (מהרי״ו סי׳ י״ג).
It was June 15, 1987, Dovid Kaufman’s wedding day, and preparations were in full swing. The Kaufmans together with the kallah’s family, the Steinbergs, had rented out the biggest hall in town, Brightstone Manor, and the cooks were busy preparing the reception and wedding meal for 500 guests. The women of the family were at the hall from the middle of the day, getting their makeup and hair done. Of course, Dovid’s mother Chana knew that her mother could not attend. The last time Chana had visited her at the nursing home, she had been unable to get out of bed. Chana promised to visit her the day after the wedding and tell her all about it.
At 4 PM, the phone rang in the Kaufman home. Dovid’s brother Nachman picked it up. It was a staff member at the nursing home. “We’ve been trying to reach Chana Kaufman,” they said. “She must come right away – her mother passed away!” Absorbing the shock of the news, Nachman thought quickly. “My mother is out now. Don’t worry, I will tell her.”
After hanging up, he thought: what if my mother becomes a mourner right now? Will she be able to take part in Dovid’s wedding? Can she walk him down? How will she be feeling? Is it even right to tell her at a time like this? He decided to ask his rosh yeshiva, who was an experienced posek. He would surely know what to do.
“Don’t tell her,” said the rosh yeshiva. “There is no obligation to tell her and ruin her simcha. She will find out on her own tomorrow. And make sure that if any of the other wedding guests are aware, they do not tell her either.”
Source: Rabbi Yisroel Reisman, tape R-14 (All names are fictitious because the story was told without names)
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